(I wrote this blog as an entry to another blog, it was never published, ha. Thought I’d post it on here. I wanted to post it because I have talked to multiple girls who desire having a boyfriend/husband more then they sound like they desire anything else. This blog is about singleness and embracing it.)
I struggle with my gender. Not in the sense of I want to be a boy but I just didn’t want to be viewed as a girl. I didn’t fit the typical American mold of what a girl should desire. I didn’t want to talk about boys and I got offended when they’d even open a door for me. I didn’t see it as them being a gentleman; I saw it as them thinking I wasn’t capable to open a dang door by myself. I didn’t want to be a girl and I didn’t want to be a boy. I wanted to be viewed as my person first then my gender. I don’t view myself as a feminist, I actually hate titles. I view myself as a person who was breathed into by the creator of the Universe, who has placed a call on my life as an individual.
I really wanted to just be a voice to all the girls who I’d roll my eyes at. They’d sit there and talk about weddings and how they so badly wanted this dress on that specific day. They wanted to be a wife to their future husband. I’d look around and ask what was different from the white dress to the white dress they were showing me. I’d ask who they were engaged to, they’d say no one. I’d ask them who their boyfriend was, they said no one. How could they be planning this wedding when they didn’t even have a boyfriend in their life? A wedding was designed to be a covenant between two people right? I’d. Get. So. Annoyed. I’d just walk away, there was no way I’d waste my God given breath on white dresses for two hours.
At 21 God gave my heart these visions for my life. They were things I wanted to do and let’s just say I didn’t see a boyfriend or husband in any of my visions. I had told myself that the next guy I was with I was going to marry. I was a firm believer in establishing your personal identity in Christ before you were with someone. I wanted to make sure I had my own stories, standing alone, as myself. I wanted my own calling on my life, not a husband’s. So I was going to get married at 25, establish my marriage, have kids at 27, and then start digging deeper into ministry with my husband. I had allowed myself tons of time to be who I was created to be. So you can see I was surprised to meet Jared. Actually, I was repulsed to be pursued by Jared. I’d sit in my closet crying to my mom screaming, “I don’t want to be married.” At this time I was 22 and Jared wasn’t supposed to come into my life until 3 years later. I did not want anything to do with him. I had to sit him down and tell him I didn’t want to be with him like that. I wanted to be his friend and if he couldn’t be my friend then I didn’t want to talk to him. Jared is a trooper because he agreed but silently continued to pursue me. He asked mentors in my life before he made any move, to get approval to pursue me.
Once I didn’t feel an obligation to be his girlfriend, all of a sudden I started to like him. (Funny how that works.) Once we spent a vast amount of time in prayer, I decided I’d be with him. I still held a lot back from him because he wasn’t in my plan. I still to this day struggle with resisting him because my insecurities tell me I can do life without him just fine. I think it took two months for me to be ok with even holding his hand in public. I finally let God in and speak to my heart. He told me the visions he placed in my heart weren’t diminished because I had a boyfriend. Jared was to come alongside me and support me in my dreams and aspirations, as I was to his personal callings. I felt bad for all of my friends who wanted so badly to have a boyfriend and didn’t have one. I felt bad that I didn’t want one and I got one. God reminded me everyone leads a different path and I was leading mine to be an example second but to live it out first. I’m standing at 23 crazy scared to even think about marriage. I don’t talk about white dresses or the colors of my wedding. I talk only in realism. I think about how I have the opportunity to speak to the coward or king that’s in Jared. I have the ability to determine the way I speak in him is how he ultimately leads me. That’s a huge responsibility and I start to think about everything down to my name will change and I do not know how to sign with a cursive G. (When I told Jared he laughed and laughed and then comforted in telling me he doesn’t know how to sign cursive G’s either.) I am not married so I can’t speak to that but I feel like you don’t hear stories from my point of view very often.
My main struggle was feeling undeserving of the blessings from God. Once I realized Jared was a gift for me from God, however not deserving such a wonderful godly man, God gave him to me because he loves me and wants my story to be told to give His name glory. Jared is my movie guy. That guy in chick flicks that no one ever thinks really exists. I have him. He reminds me he was not created to be like me he was created to compliment me. He says that even though we are together his pursuit and chase after me is yet to be over. He reminds me that he is for me and that I am the standard of beauty in his eyes.
Jared and I have had a lot of struggles not only with my resistance but with many other aspects of life, both due to our past upbringings and life events. We have had to continuously remind ourselves we are to turn to God first. I wanted this blog to focus more on singleness. I wanted to get it across that having expectations are different then having an expectant heart. Be open to God’s plan on your life. Do not consume yourself with wanting to be with a guy so much. Allow God to create your identity in him so you don’t end up burying it into a flawed human. Remember the person you have created in your mind is different then who God has actually created. He’s better, just wait for him. Stories are built in periods of waiting, not in the extravagant events. It’s a lot of small acts that build the Kingdom of God. Live for right now, in the moment God has given you presently. It’s not just a season you are enduring, it’s your life.(Jared and I are not married, so please, if you know me do not ask me when we are getting married. I do not want to be your Christian statistic, 6 months and engaged is not what I’m aiming for. Do not read this in a gossip voice.)